Stories: Children's Group

Domestic violence is not just about battered and abused partners. Tragically, domestic violence affects thousands of children every year. Recognizing this sad fact, EDVP provides support groups for children at our shelters and in the community.

The head of EDVP's Children's Program answers questions about domestic violence and its impact on children.

EDVP offers support groups for children. Why?

Domestic violence occurs in many, many relationships where there are children present. Sometimes they are victims of physical assaults, similar to their abused parent. Even if they aren't being hit, lots of times they often watch the violence firsthand.

Children are affected just as witnesses to abuse or violence?

They are traumatized, one way or another, and it affects them deeply. Because they're children, it's extremely difficult for them to articulate feelings they have, their fear, their anger. They often have a tough time with normal relationships--with their parents, with other adults, with other kids, even with their siblings.

And maybe the scariest thing is that children grow up thinking that this type of relationship is normal--all families shout and scream, all parents hit to get control, all families to live in fear.

So children go to their own support group?

Right, we have support groups designed especially for children. If Mom is in a group and her children live with her, they can come and be in their own support group.

At the moment we have six children's groups in the community, divided up by age, as well as groups at our shelters. Many women come in thinking that their two- or three-year-olds don't have feelings or understand what's going on. One woman came in and said, "My son just started talking and he said he didn't like his dad." It's hard for them to believe that when they're that young they have comprehension around their family situation. Really young kids do understand what's going on and it's a matter of getting it out and verbalizing it.

What happens at the groups?

Children's Group is a place for the child to talk and to learn about what they've experienced and how it's affected them. We talk about the things they've gone through, like divorce and abuse.

The children's group gives them an environment where they can be themselves. We give them a safe place to talk about their feelings. They also learn skills, like anger-management, dealing with other people and other children--problem-solving. They have a good idea of understanding diversity; why they're different; why other people are different from them. We try to teach them respect, for women, for themselves, and for each other.

What are the kids like when they go to the support group?

Many children tend to be apathetic, sometimes they talk right away; sometimes they don't. Often times, siblings tend to stick together. Some children show signs of being a caretaker and rule-maker.

Caretaker and rule-maker? Is a child like that responding to what she went through?

Sometimes, for sure. There was one five year old girl who attended the group with her ten month old sister. The older girl was such a caretaker in her family that she wouldn't play by herself at all. She would pretend that she was the baby's mother. She would have to sit next to her and try to feed her, and do things like that.

We really work with them and try to convey that it's not their responsibility, not their fault, that it's okay to play and be a child. They don't have to be an adult; they're in a safe place.

You say that you tell them it's not their fault. Do the kids feel like they're responsible for the abuse they've suffered or witnessed?

The kids blame themselves because they don't understand adult issues. Children are egocentric by nature so they think everything happens because of them, that it's their fault.

Dad might come home and he'll see that there is a big mess, and he says to Mom, "Why is there a mess all over the floor?" She gets in trouble for not cleaning up the kid's mess, so the kid thinks, "Oh, it's my mess. It's my fault that she's getting hit." Or a child will be crying. A parent will say, "Make her stop crying!" The child thinks it's her fault because she cried.

Or maybe they don't want to go to their father's for visitation. They don't want to leave the car, so they refuse to go. Then the Mom gets in trouble.

So the kids get caught in the middle between the parents?

Oh, definitely. Dad tells the child one thing; Mom tells another. And they trust what their parents say, but they also go by their instincts, knowing that their Dad is a scary guy.

Even if the parents are separated, it sounds as if the kids can still be victims.

True. Most dads have visitations rights, which can really confuse the kids. In the children's groups we talk a lot about visitation and what it's like to see their dad. They usually come back from visitations really wired up and having a lot of different feelings, and they act those feelings out in different ways.

Sometimes they come back upset and angry. When they color, they color really hard on the paper, with jagged edges, and make scary pictures. They don't get along well with the group leaders or the other kids. They're confused and aren't able to function as they would if they weren't torn between parents.

You said that one of the purposes of the children's group is to provide a safe place for kids to talk. But it sounds like that can be difficult.

To encourage communication, we might read a story and ask, "What do you think is going to happen now?" When they try to predict the future, it may be something that relates to their lives.

We don't press them for more unless they offer. You can encourage them to continue by saying, "It sounds like you know a lot about that."

The child chooses whether or not to share in group. We do other things--role play, have puppet shows, color, do art projects. Meanwhile, teaching about how to respect, how to be nice, how to share, how to work together.

It's a matter of building a trusting relationship with the leaders and the kids. Once they feel safe, they start acting like themselves and don't feel like they have to protect their feelings. Once that starts happening, they start to disclose other things: fears, nightmares, and so on.

What do you do when they tell you about these fears?

We talk about safe places and what children do when they want to be safe. A lot of them talk about going under a tree. Some of them color, some of them hide under the bed or under the covers. We talk about safe places they can go when there is fighting. Go outside and hide under a bush, or make a tent in the bed.

One time we came into a group and brought a book about nightmares. That was very symbolic for the children. We read the book and one of them started talking about how in his nightmare there was a monster beating up his mother, and then he couldn't remember or realize if it was his Dad or a monster. Or they dream about their Dad turning into a monster. Through these dreams you can tell see quite a bit of anxiety and fear.

You mentioned that another purpose of the groups was to teach respect.

That's right. A lot of these kids have learned quite the opposite: their Dad doesn't have any respect for Mom.

One of the things we do is encourage children to be assertive and to say no. And we act as a model for that. For example, there was a little boy who was sitting on my lap and I didn't want him to be sitting on my lap. So I said, "You know, I don't feel like being touched right now, I'm going to move you over here and you keep your hands to yourself." The children see that it's okay to say no to someone who has their hands on them.

For the children, then, you're teaching self-respect?

It's an important part of learning not to be a victim and a perpetrator. Also, we don't have gender-biased games, so we encourage all children to play with dolls and trains. We don't have stereotypes of what boys and girls should do. The effect is that it teaches them that they don't have to play a role. We teach them to say no and how to stand up for themselves. They learn that it's not okay for someone to be abusive and it's not appropriate to hit people.

We teach respect for women. We don't let children with louder voices outtalk each other. We let them know that they need to be respectful of everybody and that it's okay to lead the group but to give everyone a fair chance.

They're seeing women as authority figures because all our group leaders are women. We establish boundaries with their moms and with them.

It sounds as if you work at establishing some clear rules of behavior.

This is an important lesson for children. They need boundaries and guidance, and they test you for it. They want other people to be in charge. The group is a place where we need to set clear boundaries, set schedules. They get a chance to make decisions, but it's under certain conditions. Then a lot of them thrive. They do much better because they know what is expected of them and what to expect in us.

They're actually happier when they're told what to do?

You have to understand that for many of these children, their systems and schedules are in disarray. It has happened all their lives so they don't know what it's like otherwise.

You don't know what to expect from abusers. You don't know what to expect from the Mom or the Dad or anything in your world. Some of them, when they go to school, they do really well because they're in an environment with rules.

Do you ever see evidence that the kids are learning abusive behavior?

Yes, unfortunately, we do. We had a time when there were three children who came in. The oldest one didn't say very much, but would say things under his breath and give dirty looks. He had definitely learned what it was like to be abusive from his father.

The middle one wanted to talk. She wanted to say things, but she would only do it if her big brother wasn't around, and it took her a lot to do that. The younger one was four years old and was extremely angry. She would draw intense pictures and pick fights with the other children.

What about the opposite, do you see kids who seem okay?

Well, yes and no. There are a lot of children who come in who are really sweet. They love to draw pictures; they love to be a part of a group. They never have any bad feelings. And that's something you deal with too.

I have one girl who comes in. She's smart and sweet and witty. She talks a lot about stuff she's been doing, she sing songs, she leads the group. And then we talk about what it must be like for her not to see her dad, or we talk about how sad it must be that she doesn't see her aunt and uncle anymore. She responds by changing the subject. "Look at my shoes." "Look at this toy I'm playing with!" But the little girl has feelings. They're there. It's just that she hasn't had the feeling of safety to let them go and talk about them.

You have to work harder with kids like that to help them articulate their feelings?

Well, for example, this little girl is now starting to talk about being sad. We went about it indirectly. We read a book about different feelings. We also played a game where we roll a ball and then we talk about, "I'm happy when ...", "I'm sad when ...," "I'm excited when ...," and "I'm scared when ...".

The kinds of things she's beginning to reveal are very basic. For example, she'll say, "I'm sad because I wasn't here last week." The important thing is that she's starting to understand that it's okay to be sad.

Would you say that the children's groups are successful in achieving what you hope?

Yes, children who have stayed for a while continually grow. There are always issues in their lives, whether it's bullies at school or not having any friends. Their problems don't magically end, they're ongoing. We feel like the work we do with them in the group helps them learn to deal with these problems.

If nothing else, we raise their awareness of their situation. It's very important that children learn that the experiences they've been through are common and other children have dealt with this too. Of course, we don't know what will happen with most of them, but by working with them in the group, we are optimistic that we're helping to break the cycle of domestic violence.