EDVP About Domestic Violence: DV and Children

We know that children, living in an environment where domestic abuse has occurred, are often silent victims of abuse, even when they are not the targeted victims. Almost all children know that the violence is going on in their home and are affected by it in many ways.

Children who witness domestic violence experience, at their own developmental level, many of the same feelings adult victims do.

Children may feel:

Powerless
Confused
Bad
Helpless
Angry
Self-blaming
Anxious
Guilty about loving the abusive parent
Guilty about not protecting abused parent
Worried about the future
Worried about the possible loss of a parent insecure
Hopeless
Divided loyalty
Numb

The children are likely to be traumatized by what they see and/or experience. Without the ability or opportunity to process their feelings, children may learn:

Other people are responsible for my behavior
I am responsible for other people’s behavior
Men have the right to control women
Violence is an appropriate way to solve problems
My mom is to blame for my dad’s violence
The violence is my mom’s fault
Women have no rights
My mom can’t protect me
Nothing is safe
Domestic violence is normal
Intimidation is the way to get what you want
Other people have the right to abuse me
My dad’s violence is my fault
It’s OK to abuse my mom

Children who don’t find safe ways to talk about their feelings may act out in many different ways:

Regress: bedwetting, temper tantrums
Take on too much responsibility for their age
Earlier childhood fears return
Aggressive to other kids, brothers and sisters, pets
Treat Mom like Dad treats her
Have problems concentrating
Easily distracted
Fight at school
Get bad grades
Lie, steal
Act withdrawn and unusually shy
Forgetful
Have trouble sleeping
Very anxious
Physical illness: stomach aches, nausea, headaches
Startle easily
Unable to play
Highly sensitive to noise
Eating Disorders
Strive for perfection
Attempt to be invisible
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) symptoms (Some children who have lived in homes where DV occurred are incorrectly diagnosed with ADD. They may be given medication for ADD when they may really need counseling and support for having witnessed DV. You can help by telling the counselor that your child has witnessed DV and may be reacting to it.)

Some of this text was adapted from Helping Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: A Guide for Parents, by Meg Crager and Lily Anderson.

If you need assistance or if you have questions, call our 24-hour crisis line 425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840 (V/TTY available 8am-5pm)

If you need assistance or if you have questions,
call our 24-hour crisis line
425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840
(V/TTY available 8am-5pm)