abusive only when others are not there to witness the abuse. Abusive behavior is a choice. Abuse is not an accident.

Men who batter come from many different backgrounds and have different life experiences, but the tactics they use to control their partners are very similar.

Being stressed out, or using alcohol or drugs does not cause someone to be abusive (for more information look at our Domestic Violence and Chemical Dependency page).

The following are tactics many batterers use:

Controlling Behavior – A batterer may attribute his controlling behavior to concern for his partner (for example, his partner’s safety or decision making skills). He may assume all control of finances or prevent his partner from coming and going as she wishes.

Quick Involvement – Sometimes battered women know their partner for less than six months prior to getting married, engaged or living together. He may pressure his partner to commit to the relationship. Later, a victim may feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations – A batterer may expect his partner to meet all of his needs, to take care of everything for him emotionally or domestically.

Isolation – A batterer may isolate his victim by severing her ties to outside support and resources. The batterer may accuse others, such as the victim’s friends and family of being “trouble-makers”. He may block his partner’s access to use of vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.

Jealousy – A batterer may equate jealousy with love. He may question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and having affairs or become jealous of her time spent with others. This creates isolation too.

Blames Others for Problems – A batterer may blame others for his shortcomings. He may blame the victim or potential victim for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Feelings – A batterer may use feelings to manipulate his victim. Common phrases to look for: “You’re hurting me by not doing as I want.” “You control how I feel.”

Use of Children – A batterer may expect children to perform beyond their capability and may punish them excessively if they don’t (for example, whipping a two year old for wetting a diaper).

Cruelty to Animals – A batterer may kick, throw or hurt the family pet.

Use of Force in Sex – This includes restraining partners against their will during sex; acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless; forcing sex when the partner is asleep; or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. He may show little concern for his partner’s wishes and may use sulking or anger to manipulate compliance.

Verbal Abuse - A batterer may say things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, curse or degrade his partner or put down her accomplishments.

Rigid Sex Roles – The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a batterer may see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Dual Personality – “Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde” – Abusive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality are typical of people who batter their partners.

Past Battering – He has been abusive to previous partners. The abusive person is responsible for the problem; circumstances do not make a person an abuser.

Threats of Violence – This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. While most people do not threaten their mates, a batterer may try to excuse this behavior by claiming that “everyone talks like that.”

Breaking or Striking Objects – The batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or kick doors to scare the victim.

Use of Force During an Argument – The batterer may hold down his partner, physically restrain her from leaving, push or shove her, or tell her if she leaves he will hurt her.

If you need assistance or if you have questions,
call our 24-hour crisis line
425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840
(V/TTY available 8am-5pm)

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© 2000-2003 Eastside Domestic Violence Program